Horkers in the Mist

Skyrim is a mixed bag in all senses. It even features mixed bags, which is probably deep.

Plagued by crippling lag, texture deficiencies and, most unforgivably, disappearing quests, it’s certainly soaked up its fair share of criticism since its 11/11/11 release. A sizeable patch has even come and gone from the diligent coders at Bethesda, yet problems remain.

However, despite the maelstrom of bad press, there’s no denying that The Elder Scrolls V is a singularly special game.

Case in Point:

I wanted to see a Horker. Something fierce.

And who could blame me?!

Tamriel’s fabled three tusked walruses; I ploughed five dozen hours into my quest and was yet to encounter one of these toothy delights. Enough was enough. It was time. So headed due north from Winterhold College, I trekked Skyrim’s icy northern seas, Horker-watching!

Know but one single thing of Skyrim, know this: It is big.

Metaphorically.
Environmentally.
Literally.

It’s a seriously colossal sandbox. But eventually, having cut and screamed a bloody trail through ice wolves and polar bears, I saw one of these tubby beauties.

A Horker... What a flipping delight!

My joy was marred only slightly by its attempts to stuff me into its fat mouth. A few choice words on the subject of Animal Allegiance saw that nipped in the bud.


Horkers are tough. This one took down a bear. The sword probably helped though...

Buzzing from my wildlife trek, I decided to take things to the limit. Still being literal here, folks.

I headed due north, through sea and mist and ice and fog. I passed wrecked ships, downed cities and towering icebergs. I ran. I swam. I climbed and fell. I was going to reach Skyrim’s... rim I guess, if it was the last thing I ever did.

90 seconds later, breaststroking through chilling depths, the words “You cannot go this way” stopped my advance.

To say it was fairly anti-climactic is an understatement akin to “This Dragon is right unfriendly” or “That Khajiit could use a shave!”

But invisible walls and crippling lag aside, Skyrim wastes little time scurrying back into your good books.

North of Winterhold, past the Septim Outpost, you’ll find a cave. Not unusual for a dungeon crawler of this magnitude, I’ll grant you. But this one was different. This one refused to show up on my map. Intrigued, I drew closer...

The Chill, eh? Sure, why not. I stepped inside, ready for anything.

What I found was three empty cages, the skeletons of their onetime inhabitants scattered and bone dry. And though no summoner still lived, a hulking Frost Antronach remained, stationary, immobile.

Being an understanding, fair-minded Dovahkiin, I opted to incinerate him with a single word. Scanning about The Chill, for all its mystery, it had only that to offer: Three Cages, three corpses and a pool of melting ice in its centre.

Taken with this games inexhaustible imagination, charisma and attention to detail, I abandoned The Chill, content with the eventful diversion it provided.

Stepping back into the Frozen North, a half dozen Frost Antronachs bore down on me. Jerks!


With a noticeable absence of mouths, the Frost Antronachs are notoriously immune to Diplomacy

With no cover, no backup, I gulped, drew my Glass Greatsword, got ready to slow time and cook me some fools!
A thought occurred. Back-up was indeed at hand. I had an army of cute, loveable and supremely violent Horkers ready to fight for me. I just had to choose the right words for the job...

I roared. The world sparkled yellow. And an army of flapping, hopping sacks of flab and tusk descended upon the demons. The battle didn’t last long.

Since slapping in the disk almost a month ago, I’d dreamed in giddy fits of the night I would charge into battle with a zombie walrus at my side. Evidently, Bethesda endeavoured to do me one better.

For a brief, fleeting moment, I was Dovahkiin, King of the Noble Horkers.

For that alone I’ll happily forgive the occasional dropped quest. (It’s not like there’s not scores more waiting untouched in my journal...)

So, tired though you may be of hearing this, in conclusion...
Skyrim: What a game! Right?