And 4 to ruin it!
Well Trekkies, though delayed 11 months,
J.J. Abrams’ much anticipated sequel
will warp into theatres on May 17th 2013. Precious little is known of the project at present, save
ILM are helming the effects, the cast is returning and shooting begins on January 15th.
Star Trek is the pinnacle of reboots: respectful of is source yet educated to the desires of modern audiences. And, most importantly, it was sharp enough to tie it all together. But even on a ship as crammed as the
Enterprise, there’s room to manoeuvre.
A quick brainstorming session amongst the
clickonline team revealed a number of obvious ways in which Mr Abrams could up his game... and none of them involve reversing the polarity of the deflector array... because that never works...
4. Gorn
While he may not have had
Picard’s brains, or magnificently bald scalp,
Shatner’s Kirk wasn’t shy of the rough and tumble. He even had a repertoire of signature moves: the judo chop, the shoulder roll, the dropkick.
Basically he was
Bruce lee in space...
Now
Chris Pine has dully proved himself able to fill
Shatner’s boots (though not as yet, his expanding waistline!) He got into barfights, skydived into black holes and even outran a giant alien lobster.
But the real test of his valour lies ahead... The Gorn.
Seriously, we need to see this fight. It’s got it all. Rock throwing. Tree whacking. Weird hissing. Fighting the Gorn is a rite of passage every Kirk must overcome. I’d be happy if they even copied and pasted that choreography... majestic!
3. Starfleet
I am so tired of the Prime Directive. The
Enterprise explores yet another purple nebula. Discovers another indigenous life form. Differences are quickly resolved by a shared pot of Tea. Early Grey. Hot.
It’s dull.
What’s the point of marvelling at the
Enterprise’s splendour without its sucky little sister vessels around for contrast. What’s the point of having a Flagship without a fleet? What’s the point of having a crew comprised of a surly doctor, a genius engineer , a feisty linguist, a genius Russian wizkid, a cocksure captain and a genius Vulcan scientist without crews of Average Joes to make amusing comparisons with?
2. Klingons
Kaplah!
The Borg can go ahead and assimilate this*,
the Klingons are the definitive alien baddies. Essentially an empire of savage ninja caveman space pirates, they were sorely missed in the 2009 entry.
*points to something inappropriate
Somewhere in among the franchise’s 29 combined seasons and 11 feature films, these space age samurai became a laughing stock. Pink Blood. Ridiculously fragile warships. Alliances with the
Federation and
Romulans.
Pah! That doesn’t sound like a race whose Jesus was an invincible warrior, who drink blood instead of wine and
who invented this!
Does no-one else remember that episode where the
TNG crew lost their memories and everyone just assumed Worf was captain because he’s so totally badass?!! Case in point.
The
Klingons need to feature in
Star Trek 2013. And they need to seriously f*** something up. Like some unlucky red-shirts! Or
Starfleet...
1. Space Combat
Peew! Peew peew peew! Boom! Crash! Peew!
Space battles are the primary reason people read, watch, play or fantasise about Science Fiction. Sure the themes, ideas, philosophies and imagination involved are all stellar, but the prospect of floating tin cans shredding each other with glowing purple laser beams is a tough act to follow!
And save a few brief but mesmerising shots,
Star Trek was devoid of any real space battle. Well if the sequel’s budget is anything like last time ($150m) and
DS9 could chuck the likes of this out on a regular basis...
...
J.J. Abrams has no excuse next time.
Besides, you know who are always on for a good space scrap?
Klingons!
And there you have it: Four simple, easy to follow steps to ensure the greatest science fiction romp in the franchise’s history.
Yet it’s easy to falter, even from such an elegant formula. And though we’ll state time and again our love and admiration for
Star Trek (2009), there were a few sins best left unrepeated...
4. Lens Flare
Maybe lens flare wildly in the future? Stars do. That’s science!
But as a discerning viewer, the proclivity for lens flare tends to prevent me from doing my job i.e. viewing. In fact, we could all probably do without having out our retinae sizzled every third shot. There are other ways to demonstrate the polish and gloss of Starfleet. We suggest you employ them, Abrams.
3. Time Travel
Even in Science Fiction, amid Universes, nay Multiverses in which Space Travel, Antimatter and Teleportation are as common as coffee shops and reality TV, Time Travel is still a bit far-fetched.
Space is a vast, expanding, theoretically endless cosmos of surprise, intrigue and potential narrative device. There’s no need to go messing about with Time. That’s best left to the professionals (right.)
And even they muck it up half the time!
2. Old Cast Members
This was my biggest grievance with
Star Trek.
Leonard Nimoy: I appreciate your efforts in the past. You crafted a cultural icon. You championed the merits of reason and logic. Now for god’s sake get off the screen!
We have a new Spock now; younger, cooler, svelteier.
Get out of here, old man!
Rather than constantly, clumsily comparing him to original, how about we let
Zachary Quinto shine on his own merits. It’s difficult to appreciate what any young actor can bring a role when they’re literally standing in their predecessor’s shadow.
Can you imagine how disastrous it would be to stand
Pine next to
Shatner? Or if they had gotten the actual Norse God of Thunder to swoop down on the Kelvin and pluck
Chris Hemsworth from danger!?
THAT would be stupid.
1. 3D
As one of the lucky few blessed with the gifts of 20:20 vision and depth perception, the notion of slapping on dark sunglasses for 90 minutes just to appreciate the wonders of the Y axis isn’t as appealing as
Paramount expects. I imagine it’s even less appealing to those with glasses or visual impairment. So who exactly is asking for this?
In any case, we have 17 months to grow used to the fact that
Star Trek 2013 WILL be in 3D.
Astonishing, if you think about it! We know but one thing about this project, and it’s NOT that the
Klingons will have it out with Starfleet in an appropriately epic and inexplicably fiery (space = vacuum) space battle.
It is instead that, save select screens,
J.J. Abrams long awaited
Star Trek sequel will waste precious resources on a feature no-one wants.
Why do this?! They should be throwing them at the heroic 20 minute Kirk vs Gorn finale!