Yes, I’m fully aware one could just as easily compile a comparable list, advising movie-goers to run far, FAR away from the sequel to the universally detested
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. For one, it’s directed by the man who brought you
Justin Beiber: Never Say Never. So we’re not off to the most promising start.
But we’re an optimistic lot here at
Click.
Swords and Blindfolds make for unusual bedfellows
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Or at least I am.
With this in mind, I’ve come to a buoyant conclusion. While it’s unlikely to match the artistic merit of
The Dark Knight Rises or the sheer gratuitous payoff which
The Avengers promises,
G.I. Joe Retaliation SHOULD provide action junkies with an enjoyable stop-gap full of cliff-side swordfights, motorcycles transforming into guided missiles, and
Bruce Willis.
At the very least, it’ll keep you going til
Expendables 2...5. Predecessor
Nothing like opening with controversy!
Though this could very well have been No.1 on the aforementioned, deeply cynical list, perhaps you have all forgotten the 118 minutes of mindless fun that was
The Rise of Cobra.
Yes, the emphasis could well be on ‘mindless’, but how about that part when
Darth Maulahem Snake Eyes chops up a van with his sword while his two buddies jump through a
LUAS?!
In fact the entire Paris sequence was thrilling, criminally overlooked due to a damp squib underwater finale.
Now, I’m not suggesting
Retaliation has a fine heritage of cinematic masterworks to draw upon. But it’s occasionally (read. ALWAYS) fun to turn off the old noggin and enjoy some handsome carnage.
One can but hope
Retaliation carries on this proud tradition...
4. ScreenwritersRetaliation is penned by
Rhett Reese and
Paul Wernick. These guys wrote
Zombieland.
Zombieland, if you’ll recall, was actually a blast. While most initially presumed it a poor man’s (Americanised)
Shaun of the Dead, it stood apart, a vibrant and unique slant on the post-apocalypse. Clever writing and exciting sequences played no small part in its success.
Originally a range of toys developed by
Hasbro, any writing credentials attached to a
G.I. Joe film could only improve its standing. And with
Reese and
Wernick penning this tale,
Retaliation stands a chance of smashing preconceptions.
3. Everyone’s Dead!
Working off the premise that anything revealed in the trailer doesn’t constitute a SPOILER, you’ll be happy to know
Retaliation has been given more or less a clean slate.
Because it was washed with the blood of
G.I. Joe’s former cast.
In anything, this mass Joeicide of 2009 caricatures is likely motivation for the titular retaliation. And with the removal of dead weights
Baroness (Sienna Miller) Ripcord (Marlon Waynes) and
Scarlett (Rachel Nichols) this feature has the chance to ground its cast with an ounce of personality.
The implications extend beyond casting however. With the JOES base of operations thoroughly exploded, a last ditch, do-or-die,
Ghost-Protocol-esque operation comes into play.
With a thinned out cast and focused narrative,
Retaliation could sucker-punch audiences with actual character development and action sequences no longer restrained by any naff conventions established in 2009 i.e. clouds of mineral chomping nanites!
2. Darth Maul ahem Snake Eyes ahem Ray ParkRay Park doesn’t get enough love. Or gigs, evidently.
Famously portraying the double-bladed baddie in 1999’s
The Phantom Menace, Park is a hard working stuntman, having doubled as the Headless horseman in Sleepy Hollow and Baraka or something in
Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.
Which, for the record, is the very last time we shall be mentioning that abomination of celluloid on this website.*
Park has seen some high profile work over the past 15 years, notably depicting
Toad in
Bryan Singer’s X-Men and Edgar in Heroes. Then he went and stole the show in
The Rise of Cobra, playing the JOES’ resident ninja, giving anything that came into view of his strange visor helmet a sound kicking.
Snake Eyes obviously survives
Retaliation’s reaping (he IS a ninja folks) and seems primed for some katana duels, shuriken shooting and abseiling ass-kickery.
A wholly silent protagonist,
Park can look forward to showcasing his range via copious sword spinning and back-flips. In fact, considering the degree of naff dialogue polluting
The Rise of Cobra, it’s nice to have at least one character willing to vocalize complaints with his fists!
*This guarantee is not a guarantee.
1. TOYS!
Any
G.I. Joe flick wouldn’t be complete without a range of
Hasbro action figures, boasting numerous points of articulation and an arsenal of plastic weaponry.
I am, of course, shitting you...
1. The Rock
Not sure what exactly I could say on this subject that we at
Clickonline.com haven’t emphasised numerous times before.
The Rock is great. I wish he was my friend.
But, in retrospect, I could do without the constant sense of crippling inadequacy!
Despite his name,
Dwayne Johnson is less a man, more a mountain of living charisma, capable of stealing the show from veteran actors (
Christopher Walken, Samuel L. Jackson, Michael Caine, uh,
Vin Diesel) with a handful of lines.
Hell, crowds hit the roof whenever he so much as raises an eyebrow! Admittedly they’re wrestling fans but still.
Playing
Roadblock in
Retaliation,
The Rock seems tasked with wearing tight clothes, making fun of
Channing Tatum, quoting Jay-Z and shooting some rather large guns.
We’ve already established that Darth M-
RAY PARK has most of the action covered for b. All that remains is for someone to keep us entertained for all the bits in between.
We’re more than confident Mr Johnson has this covered. In fact our only real concern is the rest of the production may deteriorate by comparison!