So, for the sake of clarity and those who pointedly refuse to read introductory stings at the start of our articles, there will be spoilers for the post credits scene of Captain America: The Winter Soldier in the following article.
As a result, if you don’t want events from the post credits scene of Captain America: The Winter Soldier spoiled for you, you should stop reading the article now.
I’ve officially warned the sh*t out of you.
Now can we please get on with it?
This scene aint going to spoil itself!
But first, to get you good and pumped... Enlarge
So what in the name of Stan Lee’s misguided affinity for cringe worthy cameos in otherwise convincing films is a Baron Von Wolfgang Strucker?
And more pertinently, why the [Insert Preferred Expletive Here] is he called Baron Von Wolfgang Strucker? Did he lose a sodding bet? Clearly he’s a man of impeccable taste, as evidence by his snazzy monocle, so maybe this is the result of a bad poker hand….
Aaaaanyway, Baron Strucker (seriously?!) I think heads up HYDRA. Which in itself is kinda funny because I thought the damn thing was shut down, alongside S.H.I.E.L.D. I only think this because it was very much the lasting consequence of the entire film’s events. More fool me, I suppose, for believing the footage I’d witnessed not four minutes previously.
Anyway Baron Von Monocle Nazi does the dialogue equivalent of a moustache curl and smug cackle before showing us Loki’s Staff from Avengers!
Which is a Big Deal… for some… undisclosed reason…
Admittedly this bad boy was gifted to the Asgardian God of Mischief by purported Marvel Phase 3 Big Bad and Avenger post credits scene cameo, Thanos. You know, that pink faced dude who’s chin looks like it lost an argument with the business end of a combined harvester?!
So, it’s got an impressive pedigree. There’s even some speculation that the glowing blue mood stone at its centre might be one of these loosely defined Infinity Stones, alluded to so explicitly in the bonkers post credits scene in Thor: The Dark World.
Keeping up? Good for you! You deserve a sh*tting medal!
Anyway, I find it had to get excited for Loki’s brainwashing Coulson-sticker given it got bitchslapped out of Tom Hiddleson’s hands by both Iron Man AND Thor in The Avengers.
And that’s without even resorting to the tried and tested HULK SMASH trump card.
Then Baron Von Fascism (Stalingrad alum Thomas Kretschmann) unveils the real meat and two mutants of this short – Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch.
I’d love to say this was a big deal.
But though I’m only moderately familiar with Marvel cannon, it seriously aint.
It is interesting to see Marvel Studios get in ahead of 20th Century Fox for the cinematic debut of these characters – Take that X-Men: DOFP! And it will be exciting to explain the existence not only of mutants but of MAGNETO’S mutant children in a cinematic universe decidedly devoid of both (coz those right reside with 20th Century Fox and they’re clutching them close to the breast like… some… desperate… thing… Come back to me on this one.
But beyond the fact these competing studios have their own distinct versions of Ian Gandalf’s sexy kids, you’re basically just looking at a couple of new Meta-Humans and expected to be wowed!
See, I seriously doubt their esteemed parentage will get so much as a nod, let alone wink, when they’re next seen in The Avengers: Age of Ultron. And I could even be jumping the gun calling them mutants. Maybe they’re the result of HYDRA not HYDRA experimentation, or aliens or Asgardians or drunk some extremis juice and now are tripping serious balls, son!
Basically, despite nerd factor of seeing the effeminate Elizabeth Olsen and even more effeminate Aaron Taylor Johnson ahead of Age of Ultron, we still know exactly zero about this pair.
Are they even Twins?
Do Twins even exist in the Marvel Cinematic Universe?
HOW SHOULD I KNOW?
Quicksilver is traditionally Marvel’s answer to The Flash but to my eyes he’s teleporting around his cell, evidenced by a funky looking slipstream.
Though arguably running mad fast is more exciting than instantaneous transmission... Enlarge
Scarlet Witch employs famously ill-defined and needlessly over complicated this-only-really-works-via-the-medium-of-comics ‘Hex Powers’ and ‘Probability Manipulation.’ But all I saw was a malnourished telekinetic.
Deep breath nerds.
We’re going deep into this particularly incestuous rabbit hole here.
At least by layman standards…
Scarlet Witch is the canonical wife of super-android Vision.
Reportedly, Paul Bettany will play Vision in The Avengers: Age of Ultron.
Paul Bettany have voiced JARVIS, Tony Stark’s UI, OS, AI man servant voice thing since 2008’s Iron Man.
The spitting image of yer man from Priest... Enlarge
It gets better - According to Mark Millar’s The Ultimates, an inescapable and undeniable influence on the Wider Cinematic Universe, Vision and Ultron are robo-bros, co-created by Dr Hank Pym.
Dr Hank Pym is also, less than coincidentally, Ant-Man and will be portrayed by Paul Rudd in the Edgar Right film at some stage in the future of your life… Possibly late 2015.
Finally, Age of Miracles might be a reference to the 2012 coming of age novel of the same name by Karen Thompson Walker . But probably not. I just threw that in there to toy with you. Also, to illustrate that WE STILL KNOW NOTHING!
Marvel have a master plan. I reckon that’s a fare assumption. But beyond this, it’s anyone’s guess! So if your aural reactions to the trio of Post Credits revelations read something along the lines of
Look, HYDRA still exist! –“Whu?”
Look, it’s Loki’s Staff! – “Whuuu?!”
Look, its Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch for some reason – “WHUWHUWHUUU?!?!?!”
Do not fret. I’m right there with you.
Here's another, for being good and reading the whole thing Enlarge
One imagines James Gunn’s Guardians of the Galaxy will only further confuse matters this August before Joss Whedon’s desperately anticipated The Avengers: Age of Ultron finally gives us some richly deserved answers next summer.
My breath. It waits, bated.